Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Lindsay Lohan to Open Her Own Rehab Center

In a move that surprised everyone including her own PR team, Lindsay Lohan announced Wednesday that she will be leaving the residential treatment facility where she has been seriously addressing her addiction to drugs and alcohol for nearly two days, to open her own rehabilitation center in the Malibu County.

On September 19th, Lindsay Lohan was sentenced to thirty days in jail for failing a second probation-mandated drug test, a consequence of the multiple DUIs she was convicted of during the summer of 2007. In what turned out to be the shortest month in history, Lohan was released just 14 hours later when she posted the necessary $300,000 bail. Just a few short days later, she checked herself into rehab once again with the hopes it will preempt any jail time that might be coming her way when she returns to court on October 22nd. 

While many have questioned both Lohan's motives and her sincere willingness to work on her addiction issues, no one has ever questioned her being kind of a nut job. This recent move, whether it be a PR ploy or a genuine step towards recovery, will do nothing to hinder that reputation. In an exclusive Hollywood Underground interview, Lohan revealed the origins and the details of this profound, new direction in her life.

"I've been to rehab like five times now," the 24 year-old former child fashion model began, "and one thing I know for sure is that it's totally boring. Can I have side of snooze with my twelve steps? It's the same thing every day - groups, meetings, therapy, groups, meetings, therapy. Drugs are a symptom. Why are you hurting? Blah, blah, blah. I mean, hello - why do you think we get high in the first place? Is talking about all that crap really going to help us stay sober? I don't think so."

Asked how her rehabilitation center will be different than the ones she has been to, Lohan replied, "Well, I want it to be fun. I want people to look forward to rehab, even if they've been there before. So I've been thinking about the most funnest places I've ever been to and I've decided to call my treatment facility Rehabland. But I'm thinking Goofy might be a better front man. Ha, ha. Just kidding," Lohan concluded with a confusing wink. 

Asked what her treatment philosophy on addiction will be, a contemplative Lohan paused, "I've put a lot of thought into that, and I also did quite a bit of reading during my 85 minute stint in jail back in '07. What I've decided is to employ the very contemporary No Harm Reduction method. It's the latest in treatment, even though a Greek philosopher named Hippocrates came up with it centuries ago. Doctors swear by it,  so I figure it must be pretty good." 

"Basically," Lohan continued when asked for details, "In my version of No Harm Reduction, people get to choose the drug or type of alcohol that causes them the least amount of problems and continue using it. Like if you've been arrested for heroin but not crack, then you can still use crack while you're in Rehabland. If beer doesn't cause you as much grief as wine, then quit wining. And quit whining, if you know what I mean. Ha, ha. Just kidding. Doesn't that already sound better than regular rehab?"

When asked what else Rehabland will offer its clients that they might not receive in more traditional in-patient facilities, Lohan became bubbly, even a little manic. "Tons of stuff," she blurted, "You're not going to believe it. We'll still have group counseling, but it will be more like small parties designed to get people out of the narrow, self-imposed prison of their personal drug addiction by encouraging them to branch out and try other drugs. My philosophy is if you spread out your affinity for drugs and you don't do anything more than three days in a row, then it's not addiction. Oh, and I'm also going to have amusement park rides that mimic people's drugs of choice - that way they can still enjoy the feeling of their addiction while complying with the strict No Harm Reduction philosophy."

When pressed for examples, a briefly serious Lohan said, "The rides will replicate exactly the release of neurotransmitters that occur in our brains during our addictive drug use. If you're into weed, then you get to ride on Spaced Mountain, which is a really slow moving roller coaster that stops every few seconds for snacks or pseudo-epiphanies. Or, if you're into heroin, then you can ride The Doesn't Matter Horn, which uses oxygen deprivation to give you that sense of near death and not caring about anything. Meth Heads get to bungee jump into messy living rooms, while Cocaine lovers get to watch soccer highlights on an HD Jumbotron, but only the ones where they almost score."

"I don't get it," interrupted HU's reporter.

"If you were into cocaine and soccer, you totally would. Trust me. Anyway, I could go on and on, but I want to leave some surprises for our clients. We have something for everyone." 

Lohan, due to appear back in court for sentencing on October 22nd, plans to have RehabLand up and running in less than two weeks. "I just know the judge will love what I've put together. How could she not? I'm proof that this stuff works," Lohan said proudly, polishing off her sixth shot (instead of beer) and returning to her DVR-ed 2006 World Cup Final.

Lindsay says, "Get in on the ground floor and become a follower of the hottest new entertainment blog on the Net." Leave comments, feedback, and suggestions about Rehabland here...

1 comment:

  1. Is this for real? Has she gone totally NUTS!!!!