Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Tiger Woods Comes Forward About Favre, Sterger, Crazy Halloween Party

In a story that surprised...well, no one at all, Tiger Woods came to the defense of Minnesota Vikings quarterback, Brett Favre, saying with absolute certainty that Favre was on the one who sent sexually suggestive texts and voice mails along with lewd photos to former NY Jets employee, Jenn Sterger. "Trust me," Woods proclaimed, "That's just not Brett."

In the week leading up to the Monday night showdown between the Vikings and Jets, allegations surfaced against legendary quarterback, Brett Favre, claiming that while he was a NY Jet he had sent sexually explicit voice mails, texts, and nude photos to Sterger who was working as a sports reporter for the Jets at the time.

According to, Favre sent voice mails and texts inviting Sterger to come back to his hotel room after practice. When his advances were rejected a third party attempted to convince Sterger to date Favre. Sterger declined, commenting, "If I did something like that I might end up in a dumpster." Favre, whose feeling were hurt by Sterger's insinuation about how he may or may not have disposed of past mistresses, is alleged to have e-mailed Sterger photos of his penis.

Favre declined to comment on the accusations, simply stating, "More will be revealed," which coincidentally is what he texted to Sterger prior to sending the penis photos. Sterger was not available for comment, but a close friend of hers says that she's a really honest person.

Was the leaking of this story the week prior to the Vikings-Jets match-up a coincidence? Is this a ploy by the NY Jets to get into the future Hall of Famer's head? Is this gamesmanship on the part of Jets coach and master mind, Rex Ryan? Does Sterger have ulterior motives to coming forward? Turns out, it's none of the above.

Just minutes after the clock ran out on the Minnesota Vikings this evening, an embarrassed Tiger Woods came forward to clear the air. Woods, whose reputation and his golf game has suffered mightily in the wake of infidelity, sex addiction, and divorce, was just  beginning to rebuild his empire after being left by sponsors, spouses, and swing coaches alike. Now it appears it may all be for naught.

"I'd like to begin by apologizing to Brett for getting his good name dragged through the mud," began Tiger at a press conference he held under a strict no reporters, no questions policy. Only his mother and our Hollywood Underground Insider were allowed to attend. "I never meant to hurt anyone - especially not Brett. I met Jenn Sterger three years ago at an off-the-hook Halloween party in NY. I was dressed as Brett Favre because I've always been a huge fan, and Jenn showed up as  the hottest little referee I've ever seen. We hit it off right away, and by the end of the night I'd scored a touchdown, a two-point conversion, and a dirty Mark Sanchez, if you know what I mean."

Woods paused, clearly getting emotional, "I mean I tapped the hell out that. After that I couldn't stop thinking about her. The way she kept screaming 'Foul. Illegal use of the hands." It was awesome. So I pursued her, but I didn't want her to know I wasn't Brett Favre because with all the Maxim and Playboy photos she didn't seem like the kind of girl I could keep hush-hush. So wrote her texts as Favre. I called her with my best Mississippi accent. And when that didn't work, I sen the pictures of my penis."

Wiping away a tear, Woods added, "Everyone knows know that I'm an adulterer and a sex addict. I've lost my swing, my competitive drive, and I've been through a very public divorce. But coming forward today has been the hardest thing I've ever done - admitting to my fans, my family, and my sponsors that I, Tiger Woods, perhaps the greatest golfer off all time, have a white man's penis."

"That's all. No questions, mom," Woods said before disappearing behind a curtain.

Favre has certainly been responsible for his share of picks in his time, but not these ones...

Tiger and Sterger at Halloween Party
Tiger and Sterger on Blue Screen Dance Floor

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